September 11th Memorial

Last week, my friend Jimmie and I visited the September 11th Memorial for the first time.  By the way, he only likes to be called "Jim," so naturally I call him "Jimmie" and spell it with an "ie" at the end to really annoy him.  His annoyance is my pleasure.
 
The September 11th Museum will be on the same site, but it's not yet complete.  The target date for its opening is September 11, 2012.  

Jimmie and I went on a drizzly Monday, so the crowd wasn't overwhelming, but it was robust.  Note:  In order to enter the grounds, you must have a ticket.  They're available on the internet for free (you can click HERE   to access  the web page), although a monetary donation of your choosing is suggested.  Don't be a cheapo.

Security is somewhat tight; guards check your ticket at three or four points along the serpentine route into the Memorial, and then you have to go through a metal detector, just like at an airport.  The extremely sensitive metal detector picked up on some small bit of metal in Jimmie's rubber boat shoes.  I set off the machine too, even after removing all metal on my person (belt, ring, change, wallet, etc.)  The alarm continued to blare each time I passed through, before I realized what was triggering the alarm:  Not metal ON me, but metal IN me - the titanium hip that was installed in me ten weeks earlier. 

I had been issued a card to prove to security officers that I had a titanium hip, but I didn't think to bring it with me.  The guard, however, didn't really care; when I told him that I had a metal hip, he simply shooed me through the line to keep things moving (I hope Al Qaeda doesn't read The LG Report and pick up on this security weak spot.)

The Memorial site is much more imposing and impressive than I had imagined.  Here's a picture of one of the two pools:

 
It's difficult to get a sense of scale from this photo, but each of the two pools (which are in the original footprint of the two World Trade Center buildings) covers about an acre.  The waterfalls drop 30 feet down. Names are inscribed, as you can see, along metal barriers ringing the pools.  Each name appears on the barrier of the specific World Trade Center tower that each person was believed to be in when they died. 

Jimmie and I searched for the names of three specific people. 

First we found Mike Cahill.

Mike worked at Marsh (the first plane hit directly into his offices) and when I was a colleague at that firm, he used to help me out regularly when I had questions about fidelity insurance, his specialty.  You'd never meet a nicer guy.  His memorial service on Long Island was one of the most moving experiences of my life.  Jam packed church. Powerful eulogies, including the final one, by his wife, which had everyone sobbing before it ended.  It's hard to describe that day adequately.

The second name was Sal Tieri.

   
Sal was another truly awesome guy who didn't have an enemy in the world. Honestly. His memorial service was held on the edge of the Atlantic at the beach club his family belonged to in Sea Bright, NJ.  Another exceedingly sad affair, punctuated by the strains of a bagpiper.  He met his wife when they both worked for AIG.  Sal was in the home office in New York and Maureen worked in Detroit.  They had spoken on the phone for months when Sal asked if she'd send him a photo of herself via interoffice mail.  Maureen said no dice, he'd have to fly to Detroit if he wanted to see what she looked like.  He did, which took some nerve because Maureen says that Sal hated flying, he always feared that he'd die in a plane crash.

The last name that Jimmie and I found, which was literally in the last ten feet of the entire two acres of names that we searched, was that of Danielle Kousoulis.      

I never knew Danielle, but I know a number of people who knew her.  I saw Danielle's story on 9-11, after I had made my way back through the chaos of downtown to my home in Gramercy Park.  About six friends and colleagues who didn't live in Manhattan were with me.  Smoke rising from the WTC site was visible out my living room window.  We turned on the TV and happened to see Barbara Walters interviewing Danielle's boyfriend, who was walking downtown from his job in midtown to try to help her. Danielle worked at Cantor Fitzgerald on the top floors of the North Tower of the WTC, above where the first plane hit.  I took special note of Danielle's name because I knew that she was Greek, like me.  A month later, my college alumni magazine arrived and I learned that Danielle had also graduated from Villanova.  Small world, I thought.  About ten months after that, a friend at work asked if I'd like to play in a memorial golf tournament to raise money for a scholarship in the name of his family friend who died on 9-11 -- Danielle Kousoulis.

I've played in Danielle's memorial golf tournament almost every year since it started, and it has always been a very heartwarming and uplifting experience.

I know that these three people, and the thousands of others who died on 9-11, didn't technically die in a war, or as soldiers defending our freedom, but, nonetheless, they were patriotic Americans who lost their lives to those who would destroy the American way.  I'm going to take some time to remember each of them this Memorial Day weekend, along with the many other Americans who bravely gave their lives fighting for our freedom. 

Mother of Invention

[Editor's Note: This is a re-posting from Mother's Day 2010.]

My mother, Anne, who passed away in December of 1993, had a great sense of humor. She exercised it with discretion however, unlike her son, who has been known to don hillbilly teeth and dangle a string of rubber snot after a fake sneeze. To each their own.

The story I'm about to relate is one that I think of fairly often, especially around Mother's Day and my mother's birthday in July. It starts during my senior year at Villanova in the mid-1980s.  The fact that I was in college in the first place, I should point out, was attributable to my mother. In my last year of high school, I had decided that I didn't need any additional matriculation.

"Ma, I don't need to go to college, I'm smart enough already," I remember announcing in our kitchen one day.  I honestly believed it.

My mother wisely disagreed.

I don't know why, but she had determined that Villanova was the right college for her sonny.  I felt strongly that if I was going to be forced to pursue higher education, it should be in a warm climate, like Florida or California.

My mother would have none of that however.

By employing a series of subtle psychological maneuvers, the likes of which the CIA has still not seen to this day, my mother tricked me into choosing Villanova. Not only that, but I went believing that it was my idea in the first place.  But that's a story for another day...

                                           LG, his sister Maria and mother Anne in 1989.

One of my college roommates, Steve, came to visit me at the Jersey Shore for a few days from his home in Maryland over the Christmas break over our senior year. Steve had been an Orientation Counselor for the incoming freshmen that previous autumn.  Orientation Counselors were generally outgoing and personable upperclassmen (and women) who were chosen to help assimilate newly-arriving students to life at Villanova.

Orientation Counselors were expected to follow a whole list of written rules.  There were, I believe, some unwritten ones as well.

Steve, circa 1983, at a tailgate.

Chief among the unwritten, in my opinion, was: Do not take advantage of your status as an Orientation Counselor/Upperclassman/Mentor to date freshmen in your orientation group.

Steve must've missed the discussion of the Unwritten Rules. When the orientation dust had settled, he was dating a freshman.

I can feign righteous indignation at his actions now, many years later, but had I been in his shoes (for which I applied, but was not selected), I probably would've done the same thing.  But I digress...

Steve's girl's name was LizAnne. She was from Summit, New Jersey. One night during his visit, we were returning from a bar at about two in the morning when Steve noticed the "Summit Avenue" sign about three blocks from my house. 

 

"Hey, can we steal that sign for LizAnne? She'd love it," he said.

We were in college, it was the 1980s, and having street signs in your dorm room was cool.  Honest.

"OK, I have an idea," I said, never being one to turn down a challenge, especially at two in the morning.

There was a length of sturdy boat rope in my trunk, and a trailer hitch on the back bumper.

"We'll tie the rope to the hitch and wrap it around the sign and pull it off the pole," I said.  It was McGuyvering at its best.

Being very familiar with the mission-critical considerations of committing mischief at night in a car (which differs from other types of nightime mischief), I turned off my lights so that any potential witnesses wouldn't be able to read my license plate.

We circled the block, arrived at the sign, and fastened the rope around it. Nobody in sight.  It was a calm and clear night.  Great conditions for stealing a sign, I thought.

One...two...three...

I gunned the engine and lurched the car forward about ten yards. The Summit Avenue sign exploded off its perch and shot under the car.  However, in the process we pulled the pole beneath it almost flat to the ground. 

The front end of the sign-stealing car, a 1977 Chevy Concours.  The license plate has been intentionally cropped, just in case the police read this. The "Juggernaut" label on the hood is an unrelated story for another day.

 

 

Uh oh, major damage.

Steve fished the sign out from under my car using the still-attached rope and we high-tailed it out of there.  I drove to my house with the headlights off.  No sense taking chances on getting caught, I thought.

About a week later I was back at school when my mother called.

"A policeman came to the door this afternoon," she said.

My heart stopped momentarily.

"For what?" I asked, pretending to be shocked.

"He said that someone stole the Summit Avenue sign last week, and that a neighbor saw a car with a Villanova sticker on the back window pull away. The officer said that the only car in town with a Villanova sticker is yours. He's seen it parked in front when you're home."

"What did you tell him ma?" I asked, knowing that I had a problem on my hands.

"I started screaming at him, I told him that my son would never steal a sign and that he should get off my porch and go bother someone else!" she said.

My heart, which had briefly re-started, stopped again.

I didn't know what to do, but somehow the instinct to tell the truth kicked in. I figured my mother, who apparently thought so highly of my honest nature that she would shoo away a police officer, would understand.

"Uh, mom...uh, I actually did steal that sign," I confessed.

"What?! What are you talking about?" she asked.

"When Steve was visiting, he wanted it for his girlfriend, she's from Summit. We hooked a rope around the sign and pulled it off with the car. I can't believe someone saw my Villanova sticker. It was dark out and I had the lights off. Damn, I can't believe this, this stinks."

"I don't know what you're going to do, they'll be looking for your car when you come home," she said.

"Well, anyway, thanks ma, I appreciate your sticking up for me. I'll figure something out."

Immediately after hanging up, I went out to my car and scraped the Villanova sticker off the back window. This was Step One in my plan to throw the police off my trail.

It just so happened, that semester I was taking a course in play writing at Rosemont College, an all-girls school near Villanova.  I hit upon what I thought was a brilliant idea: I bought a Rosemont College sticker and put it on my car's back window, right where the Villanova sticker used to be. This, I thought, would fool the police but good.  They were over their heads when dealing with this master criminal!

Just about every friend I had asked why I had a Rosemont College sticker on my window.  Invariably, I'd launch into a detailed account of the Night of the Sign Theft.  People were generally understanding and sympathetic to a maneuver designed to keep the cops away.

That sticker stayed on my car for well over a year, until, finally, I got tired of telling everyone the story in Boston, where I had moved for law school. By then, I figured, the statue of limitations on sign theft had run out.

For over 20 years, I had been telling that story whenever a related topic would arise in conversation, such as sign theft (a popular topic among my friends), police visits (ditto), car window stickers, or the like.  Then, one day, about two years ago, my sister, for the first time ever, overheard me telling the story at a barbecue.

"Don't you know the truth about that?" she asked with a disbelieving air.

"No, what?" I replied.

"There was never any policeman at the door. Mommy made up that whole story to scare you into not doing anything like that again. I thought you knew."

I was busted, BIG TIME.

More than 15 years after she passed away, my mother was still getting the last laugh on me.

Somewhere above, I'm sure she's looking down and getting a good chuckle every time her sonny tells this story -- with the newly-discovered ending.

This is a good weekend to take some time to reflect upon, and appreciate, your mother, living or not. She no doubt made a lot of sacrifices to get you to where you are today -- maybe even a few involving a white lie or two, all for your own good.

Here's wishing a very happy Mother's Day to all you moms out there, you deserve it!

From Utah: The Cheeseboy Speaks!

 

Today The LG Report is very excited to be interviewing the J.D. Salinger of the blogosphere, Mr. Abe Yospe, a/k/a "Cheeseboy," author of the very popular and hilarious "Blog O' Cheese."  However, BOC fans know that Abe has been on a hiatus as of late.  His last "real post" was in September of 2011 and then he posted a short teaser on February 25, 2012 asking readers if he should return to blogging.  Not being content with enduring the long silence (ala the aforementioned J.D. Salinger, another great reclusive writer), The LG Report decided to go right to the source with hard-hitting questions for Abe.  So please sit back and enjoy (but don't sit so far back that you can't read your computer screen...)  

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The LG Report:  Let's get right to it: Rumors are the Mitt Romney is looking for a first-grade Mormon school teacher to be his running mate and he wants a colorful and personable wise ass.  You fit the bill perfectly.  Interested?  And, if so, what would your major policy issues be?

Mitt, from what elementary school grade would you like a teacher as a running mate? First? Perfect!

Abe: I have no interest in running with Mitt Romney.  I am not of, shall we say, his political persuasion.  However, if Obama decides to dump Biden, I’m all in. Or better yet, if Biden runs in 2016, I’d love to be his running mate. Man, it would be so fun to hang out with that guy and play pool and sing karaoke. Biden and I would make one hell of a karaoke team! I can imagine us doing the perfect Peobo Bryson/Regina Belle duet.

Abe to appear soon.

I think that would be the major policy issue I’d focus on. Improving the nations moral through karaoke.  Also, we’d start a reality show following Joe and my karaoke career. It would probably be on ABC Family or something.

The LG Report:  Sorry, we got that wrong, we were just handed a correction, Mitt Romney has no such interest, he wants a credible VP candidate who can help him win.  Please disregard the question above.  Our bad.  That's the last time we eat those funny mushrooms before writing out our questions.

Abe: That’s fine. If he really wants a credible VP candidate, he should probably pick a former woman governor from Alaska.

The LG Report:  Abe, ever since you "semi-retired" from blogging (if that's accurate), you've caught fire on both Facebook and Twitter where you wow millions (or hundreds anyway) with your razor wit and amusing sarcasm.  Why do you prefer the "micro-blogging" format of those two social media outlets?

Abe: Instant gratification. With blogging, I usually had to wait 2 or 3 days for comments to really pour in. On Twitter, I can write a joke, post it and get instant feedback within minutes.

By the way, you too can follow me on Twitter. My Twitter name is @Cheeseboy22

The LG Report:  You have a pretty impressive list of Twitter followers including some writers from "The Family Guy" and others (we won't divulge them all since we don't exactly know who they are, although LG is among them.)  Can you reproduce for us five or so of your personal favorite Cheeseboy Tweets?

Abe: Sure. How bout I just list my five most popular:

1. If you are proud of your follower count, know my 33yo brother lives with my parents, tweets ONLY about Star Trek & has over 8,000 followers

2. Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 1 second, but instead I am going to run over 100 times with the vacuum at different angles.

3. Accidentally wore a red shirt and khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

4. Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, "To my sandwich!"

5. I'd kill for a microwave that plays Europe's “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.

 

The LG Report: We know you're happily married, but as a Mormon, if you had to select a 9th wife from among the Ladies of the Blogosphere, who would it be and why?  Strictly platonic of course.

Abe: Hm, its been so long since I’ve talked to all my blog groupies.  I’d have to say one of these three:

Kelley from Kelley’s Breakroom. We have more of a brother/sisterly relationship, so it’s actually too bad I am not from Alabama.

Abe's Blogosphere Fantasy Wedding Cake Topper. Kelley on the left. Or maybe right.  Hard to tell.

Tammy from Time Flies. We are polar opposites politically, but she is so cool, I could probably overlook that.  Kinda like a James Carville/Mary Matalin thing. But of course, with more hair.

Robyn Alana Engel from Life By Chocolate. She’s Jewish (I’m half Jewish) and she’s an expert at finding loser guys online. I could totally see this working out.  http://rawknrobyn.blogspot.com/

The LG Report:  Please don't consider us Eastern Elitists with antiquated views of Utah and other places west of Times Square, but how often do you bathe?  Honestly, we're all friend here.

Abe: I bathe twice weekly. And even that is a lot of warming of water on the stove.

The LG Report:  You spent some time in Pennsylvania in your younger days.  I'm sure you're aware that there's an airport named Allentown-Bethlehem-Easton Airport, nicknamed "Abe."  Seems like quite a coincidence.  Did you change your name at some point to become associated with this prestigious transportation hub?  Have you ever thought of calling yourself "Abe O'Hare?" 

Abe: I was aware of this, however, I thought the acronym was pronounced “Ab-e”.  Now that I know the correct pronunciation, I will consider the O’Hare thing. It just seemed silly the other way.

Notice how Abe gets his name in there?

The LG Report:  What's that smell?

Abe: My 3^rd wife enjoys making homemade soap out of goat’s milk.

The LG Report:  If you couldn't be a teacher, what would your ideal job be?

Abe: I’d love to write for Jimmy Fallon.  He’s a very positive comedian, rarely negative, and I like to think of my jokes as the same.  If I couldn’t write for Fallon, I’d probably settle for Conan.

The LG Report:  Jim Gaffigan sends his regards.  LG just had lunch with him the other day.  He's not friends with you on Facebook but LG is trying to convince him to be.  What's your message for Jim?

Abe: Jim, you owe me twenty bucks. Also, you better up your game. John Mulaney is gaining on you.

The LG Report: Are you in the Secret Service? If so, when were you last in Colombia?

Abe: Yes, I am in the Secret Service. We Secret Service people are trained to say that we are in the Secret Service. Then people are like, “No way they are really in the Secret Service”.  I have never been to Colombia. They tell us to say that too.

The LG Report:  As we said, you're a proud Mormon but you also have some Jewish roots.  Have you ever considered starting the Mormon Pumpernickel Choir?

Abe: Had not considered it. Probably because most Jews prefer Rye. 

Everyone says Abe has a pumpernickel sense of humor.  He's the greatest thing since...

 

The LG Report:  If you could change one thing about yourself, other than your hairstyle or lack of fashion sense, what would it be?    

Abe: I wish that I could be better at pretending to like sushi.

The LG Report:  Anyone you'd like to give a shout-out to?  Any Tweeters people should be following (other than you, obviously) or bloggers? 

Abe: There is this very underrated Tweeter. He’s hilarious. His name is Lazarus and his Twitter name is @LazarusNYC

The LG Report:  Last question Abe: Can we expect to see Cheeseboy back in the blogging saddle anytime in the foreseeable future or has that ship sailed, that horse galloped, that plane departed, that bullet fired, that rocket launched, that gas passed, that... well, you get the idea.  Coming back? 

The Cheeseboy was certainly grilled by The LG Report

 Abe: I thought about coming back. Maybe just post my best tweet of the day and then add a little more jokey joke to it. The most time consuming part of blogging was visiting everyone else’s blog and commenting on them. It was very difficult to do and I felt guilty when I didn’t get to them all. So that, I don’t miss. 

We’ll see if I come back.  Right now, I’m enjoying my retirement and enjoying these Colombian beaches.  Ah crap.

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Abe, thanks again for being a good sport and playing along, we appreciate your stopping by.  As mentioned previously, people who miss your hilarious blog can get their Cheeseboy fix on Twitter at @Cheeseboy22.  

See you back here again soon folks, thanks for visiting The LG Report! 

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More LG Tweets....

 Kids, Blogger.com has a new format and, frankly, LG is annoyed at having to learn its intricacies, so he's seat-of-the-pants'ing it here.  Below are some Tweets from the last few days on LG's Twitter account, hopefully something in here will make you smile, if not crack a rib.  If you crack a rib, please close this webpage before you call 9-1-1, we don't want to be held accountable (for anything, really...) 

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Trojan Condoms is suing Capital One for stealing their ad slogan, which is "What's in your wallet?"

The Washington Redskins say their name isn't racist. In unrelated news, they've banned the sale of firewater after the 3rd quarter.

Benjamin Moore just announced three new paint colors: Mocha, Mahogany and Tanorexic Mom.

Investment tip: If they legalize pot, you should immediately buy stock in Fritos and Taco Bell.

Technology tip: If you accidentally delete a voicemail message, to retrieve it just call Rupert Murdoch.

Tony Soprano would've been more intimidating if his name was Tony Baritone.

If the "tanorexic" mom has too much of a tan, does that make Kim Kardashian "canorexic?"

I'm still learning: My stepson said he was hungry and wanted a hot pocket so I put a lit charcoal brick from the grill in his pants.

Whenever I forget my social security number or ATM code I just call the people at Google.

BREAKING: Rosie O'Donnell to play Sheikh Khalid Mohammed in "A Terrorist League of Our Own."

Junior Seau's family donated his brain to science. The tanorexic mom's family is going to donate her face to Coach.

Tonight is the Super Moon. Last time a moon this large was seen was when Kim Kardashian pulled down her jeans on the school bus in 1997.

In Mexico, their IRS considers you to be a lottery winner if you haven't been killed by a drug cartel.

I won't say it's out of touch, but I would've signed up for a MySpace account but I didn't have a valid Telex address.

I refuse to do my act at The Laugh Factory because they use underage kids to manufacture their laughs. Plus, I have no act.

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We  should be back soon with a very funny interview, stay tuned! 

More LG Tweets...

Blogger.com has a new format today, of which LG was not previously warned, so he's not sure how this post is going to look.  But he's forging ahead anyway.  Here are some of LG's better Tweets from the last few days (@LazarusNYC if you're interested in following; it's still free for a limited time only.) 

LG has some exciting news: Abe, aka "Cheeseboy" (author of the most excellent Blog O' Cheese, which is on a hiatus of some sort at the moment, TBD) is going to be the next LG Report interview subject.  

Stay tuned, it's coming at you soon...  In the meantime, enjoy these Tweets (or don't, but if you don't, there's really no need to comment. Thank you!)

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If I were president of France, my pickup line would be "Hey ladies, come over here and let's get Sarkozy with each other!"

French presidential exit poll results:1 Sarkozy 2. Jerry Lewis 3. Someone else.

Elliott Spitzer's hologram was caught with a hooker.

The US government says that rather than return to the gold standard, we'll base our economy on a more precious commodity: HP ink cartridges.

I made fun on NBA player World Peace's name and he beat the crap out of me!

If I ever saw Seal on Easter Sunday I'd say "What's up Easter Seal?!" That would bust him. Then I'd donate money to charity to atone.

Weird request: When traveling overseas, Tiger Woods is now requesting Secret Service protection.

Sarah Palin's favorite countries in order: Africa, Paris and Big Sky.

In order to make amends, disgraced former politician Elliot Spitzer has enlisted in the Secret Service.

BREAKING: Secret Service fires director and cleans house; appoints Heidi Fleiss to lead organization.

I just saw Rosie O'Donnell's hologram eat three cheesesteaks.

We had a loud party and the police showed up at our house. That Sting is a really cool guy.

The greatest gynecologial novel of all time has to be Gustave Flaubert's "Madame Ovary."

Whenever I have an internet connectivity problem I call Al Gore directly.

If Godzilla ever invades Chicago, I'll bet Wrigley Field gets stuck to the bottom of his shoe.

Kid Rock is lucky that his parents didn't name him "Kid Big Band."

In Arkansas it's not clear if you're referring to electronics when you brag that you have Bluetooth.

Friendly's is expanding into France where it will be called Go Screw Yourselves.

I'm done procrastinating; heading down to Circuit City today to get my BetaMax fixed.

PUN ALERT: U.S. not allowed to keep track of how many terrorists it kills because there's an international tally ban.

I honestly thought it was a very speedy cocaine delivery service #Instagram

UH OH: University of Arkansas hires Hugh Hefner as new football coach.

If my name was Stewart Nodd I wouldn't allow people to refer to me as "Stew."

Call me old fashioned, but when I was single I wouldn't give a woman my Telex address until the third date.

OK folks, we're finally back with a brand-spanking-new post.  We're going to re-interview the State of Utah.  Not because Abe (aka "Cheeseboy") did a bad job the first time around -- he didn't (you can check out his most excellent interview by clicking HERE) (and, also, we'll be re-interviewing him soon too, so stay tuned...) but because we recently discovered the hidden gem known as mCat and we decided to shine the spotlight on her for a bit. 

We don't have any shareholders or other bosses here, so back off, we can do what we want!

mCat writes the excellent blog called "That's What She Said" (click HERE to be magically transported to it).   

So, now, please just sit back and enjoy mCat's sparkling wit...

The LG Report:  We don't believe you're originally from Utah.  In fact, we're not even sure you're from Earth originally.  Care to give us a thumbnail sketch of your background?

mCat:  Rumor has it, that I just showed up one day in a basket on my parent’s doorstep in the trailer park.  There was a note with it, but illegible.  They are, to this day, still trying decipher exactly what language it is.  They originally were going with something French.  Then Spanish.  Then a mix of the two with some Scottish and Irish thrown in.  I guess the bottom line is, I appear to be a stray mutt.

The LG Report:  You work at the legendary Wasatch Running Center.  What's your favorite part of the job (personally, we'd like to smell people's feet but we'll edit this part out before the blog gets posted...)

mCat:   My favorite part is when I get to go to the back room and drink my diet coke.  See, I really have no desire to actually DO any work.  I like to just hang around, talk a lot about running, and stare at shoes.  Although, when someone comes in that is just taking up running, needs shoes, and I get them fitted into a pair that is perfect and they love them….well, that’s pretty friggin awesome.  That, and my employee discount.

mCat?  No...of course not!

The LG Report: You're a renown cook.  We won't say in what sense you're "renown."  What's your favorite dish to cook and why?  And what would the title be of your Food Network TV show?

mCat:   Wow.  Renown?  Such a mild adjective, more like legendary wouldn’t you say?  Really, no one busts out cookies, or pizza like the mCat does.  Literally.  No one.  My favorite dish is most likely a buffet of some kind so that I can graze at my leisure, however, they frown on me bringing in my camera for the cooking segment and showing everyone exactly how to make it happen.  Such as the correct way to load your plate, order in which food is consumed, you know – the important stuff. 

The title?  Gosh, I have no idea.  “How a good Mormon Mother doesn’t cook, thus endangering her status us a ‘hard core’?”

The LG Report:  Whose the biggest jerk ever to live in Utah?

mCat:   Hmm…….we’ve had our share.  Okay, more than our share.  I mean Karl Malone is no prince charming.  Rulon Jeffs confuses everyone about my faith and polygamy (which are TOTALLY different).  And the guy who flipped me off BECAUSE I ACTUALLY USED MY TURN SIGNAL?  Don’t even start me on that one.   In Utah, if you use your turn signal, then that is an alert for the driver next to you to speed up and block you from moving in front of them in the lane.  Heaven forbid some one be ahead of us cause it’s all like a race or something.

The LG Report:  Are you one of many wives (you can tell us, we won't rat you out to the feds)?

mCat:  Dude – see above.  Another misnomer of Utah and the Mormons.  We don’t do the polygamy thing.  Do you REALLY think Splenda could handle another one of me?  Yeah, didn’t think so.  And while we’re at it, let the record reflect that I.Do.Not.Have.Horns.  Apparently in some backwoods areas of the USA, that dirty, rotten rumor still exits.  Sure, we had the 80’s and the big, bad bangs like everyone else, but NO horns.  I can provide pictorial proof if necessary.

This is NOT mCat's wedding cake topper!

The LG Report:  Have you ever committed a crime?  If not, what's the closest you've come?

mCat:   I could tell you, but then I would have to kill you.  And none of us want that.  I like reading the LG report as do your highly educated and discerning readers, so let’s just say I may or may NOT, have had a turn in the back seat of a police car.  Allegedly.  And we’re gonna leave it at that.

The LG Report:  If you couldn't live in Utah, where would you live and why?

mCat:  Where you are duh!  We would have so much fun!  Me and Splenda, you and Mrs LG – partying like it’s 1999 – something like that.  Actually, I  love Cancun and declared it my Eden of all Edens, but what with the cartel, the beatings, kidnapping and killing of us Americans, I think I’ll rule that one out.  Looks like you, Mr LG, are stuck with us.   I’m going to need you right next door.  Your phone number on my speed dial.  The spare key to your home so we make sure the mail gets taken in while you vacay, and finally – matching welcome mats on the front porches.

LG's house. mCat and Splenda can have a wing.

 The LG Report:  We know that Tiburon is one of your besties.  Can you reveal something here about her that she'd consider to be embarrassing?  Something that will really make her glad that we're not using her last name? 

mCat's friend Tiburon out for a swim

 mCat:  You have a death wish on me? REALLY?   Okay, I’ll share a secret.  Lean in real close.   Closer…..*looking side to side*…..get this….the Shark actually has a heart.  I know, I know, she pretends she doesn’t, what with her snarky sarcasm, but really she’s all love on her insides.  She doesn’t want anyone to know, so let’s keep it between you and me.

The LG Report:  We know that you write a wonderful blog of your own (unfortunately, it's not super-wonderful like The LG Report, but, hey, we know you're trying...)  Can you give us a link to one or two of your favorite postings that you'd recommend to readers of The LG Report who may not have had the pleasure of sampling your writings yet?

mCat: You want funny?  Spiritual?  Drivel that spews from my pie hole?  I’m no real writer, I just do this to journal and have fun so here are a few of my favorites in no particular order and for a variety of reasons.   And clearly I have a hard time choosing since I provided three.  I’m such an ego-ist.  (New word – courtesy of me, you’re welcome)

http://em-cat.blogspot.com/2009/12/merry-christmas-2009-from-splenda-daddy.html

http://em-cat.blogspot.com/2010/01/spiritual-sunday-organ-young-man-and.html

http://em-cat.blogspot.com/2011/10/st-george-marathon-2012-little-mental.html

The LG Report:  Do you ever pass wind?  We know that most women deny doing so but you strike us as someone who may tell the truth.  Here's your chance to impress all the men in the audience and gross and betray the women.  Answer please?

mCat:  Every. Woman. Farts.  It’s reality folks.  Some do it on the sly so that it appears that they don’t, but let’s face it, deep down, every woman has just a tich of “gross man” syndrome in them.  And sadly, it manifests with the toot, fart, breaking wind, letting one rip, fluffing.  Call it what you want but a rose by any other name……  you get it.  And I know, since I have been crop-dusted a time or two (or three) while in the cosmetics section.

The LG Report:  Other than The LG Report (which is too obvious), please give a shout out to a couple of your favorite blogs that you think people might enjoy. 

mCat:   Nah.  If I do, then people will stop reading me. And you and I BOTH know it’s all about ME.  But here are a couple that shouldn’t detract from my own unique verbal vomit.

Pedaling Fast and Trying to Keep Up

My Real Life Was Back Ordered

Both of these writers I have met IN REAL LIFE.  And both are fantastic.  Pedaling is a great photographer and I like her politics.  Back Order is just plain funny.  Oh yeah, and this one too, it's great:

My Voice on the Wings of Change 

 The LG Report: Do you think that you'll ever move back to civilization?

mCat: Whoa whoa whoa,  who says Utah isn’t civilization?  I realize we have some strange liquor laws (so I’ve heard), an abundance of children to adult ratio, and are about 5 years behind every fashion trend, but listen pal, we are as civilized as the next state.  I dare say, once the Mormon pioneers hit the valley and began making a bloomin city out of ridiculous desert, we stepped right into civilization.  Of course a pro baseball or pro football team wouldn’t hurt, but with so many games on the Sabbath, I don’t know that that could be financially viable.  But I do think the Utah Jazz is good enough to qualify us for civilization dontcha think?

The LG Report:  What activity or sight would you recommend to a first-time visitor to the Beehive State?

mCat:   First – me.  One must visit me.  Cause it’s all about me.  Next, if you are a skier – then hit the slopes.  I personally hate skiing, but have been told, or at least our license plates professed once, that we have the greatest snow on earth.  But if it’s summer and no snow, than any of the fabulous canyons, mountains or other outdoor rec site is awesome.  Too many to name.  If none of that sounds appealing, then simply hit up Temple Square and be prepared to be wowed if I haven’t wowed you enough.

The LG Report:  Finally, in closing, what question would you have asked you if you were LG and what's your answer to that.  We'll pause while you decipher that question....

mCat: If I were you, and I asked me a question……hmm…..

Q. To anyone that spends any time on your blog, we notice that over the past several years your hair style, color, and length change frequently.  Why?  Why must you constantly change your hair?

A.  My response would be:  Dude.  I have serious ADD *shiny squirrel* and I get bored easily.  I gotta mix things up ya know.  And, until Splenda Daddy starts buying me body parts (tuck, nose job, lift) then my hair is all I have!

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Thanks so much to mCat for appearing in the hot seat today, as always, it was our great pleasure.  Please stop by That's What She Said  when you get a chance, you'll be happy that you did! 

And Still More from the Twitterverse...

I really am going to write a new post soon (I keep saying that, I know...) but in the meantime, here are some more of my Tweets (@LazarusNYC)

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Rembrandt, for all his success, died homeless and baroque.

Something smells bad in here. I think I stepped in a pile of Geraldo Rivera.

We should elect Newt Gingrich b/c he'll relate best to the Chinese - he has more Chins than they do.

Secretariat, Man O' War and Sarah Jessica Parker.

I bought 2,500 Megamillions tickets for my office pool but the one I bought separately for myself won!

Newt was wearing a hoodie in Florida recently but luckily for him it was caught between his 4th and 5th chins and not visible to vigilantes.

My preacher neighbor told me that prayer works but I need proof so I told him I'm praying that he will cut my grass all summer for me.

Rick Santorum's grandparents came over from Italy. They found Mussolini to be too liberal.

I don't have anything against Mitt Romney, in fact he holds the mortgage on every home in my town. County. State.

If Sarah Palin was fat and ugly nobody would pay attention to her.  Oh, no, wait, she'd be Rosie O'Donnell!

What BS, I'm flying over the Bermuda Tri

 

BREAKING: Sarah Palin first to report Russian plane crash; saw it from her front porch.

I'm opening a store that sells a wide variety of decorative walls. Want to call it "Wallmart." Should be no problem with that name.

 

Police are looking for a guy who is hacking into social media sites. They've identified a person of Pinterest.

At Home Depot I like to sit on all the toilets and when they ask what I'm doing I say I'm playing the Game of Thrones.

I'm only slightly short of a million followers short of a million followers.

I'm so psyched! My number was just called in the lottery to get a place in line to buy a lottery ticket!

My friend says I'm way too skeptical but I don't believe him.

I put $50 into a lottery pool at work. I'm now part of a group with 50 tickets (I'm self-employed)

I can't really get a Handel on classical music.

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OK, that's it for today folks, hope to see you back here again soon.  Thanks for stopping by. 

From the Twitterverse...

 Here's a recap of some of LG's recent Tweets [which can be found @LazarusNYC on Twitter for those of you who indulge.]

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BREAKING: Superhero #GreenLantern has been defeated by a Coleman stove in battle of camping accessories.

Puuuulease! Oh no, a scary ring!

BREAKING: James Cameron admits journey to bottom of ocean was in search of Ron Paul's polling numbers.

 Least intimidating superhero? The Green Lantern. "Ooh it's a lantern, watch out he may spill kerosene on you!" 

I don't want to nit pick, but shouldn't Spiderman have eight legs?

I'm sure I could beat Superman in Scrabble but we'd have to play with lead-lined tiles or that bastard would cheat.

You can just see him trying to read his opponents tiles.

 Remember ladies, you can't spell "Pilates" without "Pie."

 

"Hunger Games" are what's experienced by people behind Rosie O'Donnell in the buffet line!

No shoes, no shirt, come right in ladies!

 

Anyone reading Tweets at this hour on a Saturday night is a loser. Anyone writing them, of course, is not.

 

Italian authorities have hired an expert in raising huge objects to right Costa Concordia: Rosie O'Donnell's personal trainer.

 Documentary on Joan River's comedy tour to be titled "Antiques Roadshow."

I wonder if Joan is in there?

 

I was shocked that the show "American Pickers" doesn't involve noses or fingers.

Brilliant Idea of the Day: Tell the world that #KONY has 10 of the new iPads, people will track him down quickly.

In China, college basketball has "The Long March Madness" and the "Sweet and Sour Sixteen."

I went to a BBQ at #LadyGaga's house and she threw her meat dress on the grill. She was wearing swordfish underwear. TMI?

NOT PETA approved....

"HUNGER GAMES:" I don't known much about it, but I'm guessing it stars Demi Moore and Calista Flockhart.

Minnesota Redux: Our Visit with Pearl!

The LG Report is taking somewhat of a hiatus from new posts for a bit, so we're re-posting some of our favorites.  Here's an interview that we particularly enjoyed with Pearl, we hope you will too.

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Warning: Professional Blogger on a closed course.  Do not try this at home. 

 

Today, The LG Report throws on the old down jacket and dog sleds it to Minnesota, where we'll be interviewing Pearl, a very successful Minneapolis blogger who's going to provide some unique insights into "The Land of 10,000 Lakes."


Pearl's very funny blog, "Pearl, Why You Little..."  can be accessed by clicking HERE.   That's Pearl on the left.  You expected her to be wearing a string of pearls, didn't you?  That's because you have a juvenile streak, which draws you to The LG Report's sophomoric humor.  Good, we need readers like you, please stick around.  Readers expecting Public Broadcasting-style sophisticated humor can gather out at the lobby wine bar to make snide remarks over brie.  But please return.  When it comes down to it, The LG Report doesn't turn anyone away (we may turn your stomach, but we won't turn you away.)             


The photo above of the Minnesota welcome sign was taken on July 4th.  Minnesota generally looks like this the other 364 days of the year:

OK, the house lights are flashing, on to the interview.


The LG Report:  Pearl, would you ever consider marrying Neil Diamond or would the name thing be too much of an issue?  

She coulda been Mrs. Pearl Diamond.

Pearl:  Neil and I are no longer on speaking terms.   When he apologizes for defaulting on that car loan I co-signed on, we'll talk. 


The LG Report:  Would your sisters Ruby and Turquoise feel the same way?





Pearl:  Ruby and Turquoise are currently being held pending trial on incitement charges -- the last name "Diamond" would be an improvement over the name to which they currently respond: Fresh Meat.




The LG Report:  Your very funny blog is called "Pearl, Why You Little..."  Could you please finish that sentence for us?


Pearl: ....that started out as free, daily silliness and has turned into a six-figure-a-year enterprise.  While I no longer use Suave shampoo, it is true that I make Wienie Water Soup at least once a month "for the good times." 


The LG Report: If The LG Report were more on the ball, we would've had your interview ready for posting on Pearl Harbor Day.  December 7th must be an interesting day for you.  Is there something you're harboring?  Is that the one day each year when you tell people what you really think of them -- Pearl Harboring Day?


Pearl:  Oh, see I totally misunderstood the day!  For years now I've insisted my friends let me sleep on their couch on Pearl Harboring Day!


The LG Report:  You must live near the Twin Cities, everyone with a computer in Minnesota does.  The Twin Cities always dress alike and we can't tell them apart.  Please inform us of the difference. 

Gov. Jesse in his wrestling days.

Pearl:  You're right about me living in the Twin Cities.  I live in Minneapolis proper (which is a far cry from Minneapolis improper, believe you me).  The difference between Minneapolis and Saint Paul?  Minneapolis is the more cosmopolitan of the two, with an active nightlife.  Saint Paul, on the other hand, is full of long-haired men in tight pants and streets laid out in a confusing, spoked-wheel manner, using the capital as its center.  Our former governor, Jesse Ventura, described them as having been designed by a drunken Irishman, a comment for which he took much heat.  Confused, I asked all the drunken Irish men I know and they all agreed: those streets are really baffling.





The LG Report: What's your favorite winter seasonal activity in Minnesota?  Please remember that this is a G-rated blog (or Glog; we just made up that word but feel free to use it), not a Rlog or Xlog, so please keep it clean.  Not that we think you wouldn't, but you do seem to have a bit of a Xlogger's risque tendencies in you...


Pearl: I'm glad you caught that.  I have a disturbingly dirty mind, one I take out regularly and exercise.  As for seasonal activities, I would have to list drinking, yelling, and making stuff up.  I was raised just prior to everyone magically knowing how to ski, my toes have frozen too many times for ice skating to be comfortable, and ice fishing is just another perverted reason to sit on an overturned five-gallon bucket on and iced-over lake.  Who needs it?  So, yeah.  Drinking, yelling and making stuff up.  




The LG Report:  Frankly, and we're going to be blunt with you here, the rest of America is sick of seeing "Land of 10,000 Lakes" on Minnesota license plates.  Please pick a new state motto from among these choices:


A.  Minnesota: Land of One Big-Ass Mall
B.  Minnesota: At Least We're Not South Dakota!
C.  Minnesota: Too Cold For Gangs!
D. Minnesota: Why, You Little...
E. Minnesota: Land O' Lakes Butter (this is a sponsored slogan) 

Pearl is not shatting us.  This is the roller coaster in the mall.

Pearl:  Tired of our state motto?  Is that right?  Shoot.  Well, I'm gonna have to go with A, then, LG.  "Minnesota: Land of One Big-Ass Mall."  I mean, have you been in there?  I have.  Three times.  Did you know they have a roller coaster in there?  They do. 








The LG Report:  Your blog name, "Pearl, Why You Little...," when held up to a mirror and read sideways, after rubbing lemon juice on it, spells out "Garrison Keillor." Please explain.


Pearl:  If you could see the two of us together, well, the resemblance is uncanny.  We sometimes swap glasses and cardigans, just to play with people's heads.  It's silly, but it's mild-mannered and polite, which is how we like it.


The LG Report: What would you say is Minnesota's best kept secret tourist attraction?


Pearl:  That would have to be the jars of pickled eggs and pigs' feet available in so many of our smaller bars.  I'm actually quite a fan of the pigs' feet, but pickled eggs? That's just gross.


Government Warning: Do not confuse this:





  

With this:  

The LG Report:  Can we see the certified audit report on the number of lakes?

Pearl:  Yes.  


The LG Report:  We know you don't know Geo, but everyone who knows him would like to kill him.  Please accept that fact and then tell us how you would kill Geo if he ever visits Minnesota: 

A.  Leave him out in the elements on a really cold night, like, say, August 10th;
B.  Push him into one after another of the supposedly 10,000 lakes until he drowns; 
C.  Shoot him in front of Target's world headquarters at 1000 Nicollett Mall in Minneapolis and then tell the police "Sorry, he was Targeted;" or
D.  Serve him a cyanide-laced mini soda (we'll pause while readers absorb that pun) (we're still pausing....) (OK, that should be good.)


Pearl:  Poor Geo.  As Target is a mere handful of blocks away from where I work, I'm going to go with C: Shoot him in front of Target's world headquarters at 1000 Nicollet Mall in Minneapolis and then tell the police "Sorry, he was Targeted."  That way I could kill him over my lunch hour.    


The LG Report: How do you blog with mittens on? 


Pearl:  Have you seen my toes?

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That's all for today folks, thanks again to our special guest, Pearl, whose very entertaining blog can be accessed by clicking HERE.  Also, look for details on her new book (technically, a chapbook) which is about to be published, "I Was Raised To Be A Lert."  If it's half as funny as her blog, you'll enjoy it immensely, we're sure.  We hope to see you back here again soon!